


Sober Confession

by SamuelJames



Category: Southland
Genre: M/M, Omniscient POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-20
Updated: 2011-05-20
Packaged: 2017-10-19 15:49:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/202537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamuelJames/pseuds/SamuelJames
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John's had feelings for Ben for a while and one night after shift he tells Ben how he feels.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sober Confession

**Author's Note:**

> Title: Sober Confession  
> Pairing/Characters: John/Ben (predominantly pre-relationship)  
> Rating: 15+/R  
> Summary: John's had feelings for Ben for a while and one night after shift he tells Ben how he feels.  
>  **Spoilers: Spoilers for the Southland season 3 finale.**  
>  Notes: Started for the prompt Worst Country Song Titles where I chose _'If You Don't Believe I Love You Just Ask My Wife'_ but it exceeded the word count.  
>  Disclaimer: Southland is the property of its creators. No copyright infringement is intended.  
> Archiving Information: Please do not archive elsewhere on the net.

"You love me?"

"If you don’t believe I love you just ask my wife, ex-wife. Told her all about you."

"Come on, John, let me give you a ride home."

"That it, boot? I make my confession and nothing. We're stuck together, day in day out. Thought I should tell you."

Ben smiles. "Are you drunk, John? Is this a joke? Let me guess, Dewey's gonna be teasing me about this tomorrow."

"Only had two beers and I'm no comedian."

They each take a sip from their bottles and Ben tries to process John's declaration. He likes John, respects his attitude to policing but hates the pill popping. Getting involved with an addict is just looking for trouble.

John looks at Ben and takes another sip of his drink. The kid hasn't run for the hills so maybe he'll be okay with this. "Look, I won't be your training officer for much longer so maybe I should have kept my mouth shut. A lot of straight guys can handle a gay friend until that friend admits they like them. Don't worry, I won't make a pass."

"Not even if I want you to?" Shit, where did that come from. Ben curses himself for ignoring his own advice.

"You want me to make a move? I didn't tell you because I expected anything."

Ben leans over, rests his hand on John's thigh and kisses him. John grips the back of his head and Ben feels John's tongue at his lips and opens his mouth. When he feels John's other hand on his hip he pulls away. He turns a little in his seat so he's not facing John any more. "That was good."

"Ben, I'm getting mixed signals here. Look at me."

Ben turns his head slightly. John is still facing him, arm resting on the bar but reaching towards him.

"First kiss with a guy?"

"No, two others in high school. One for a dare, the other meant more. I'm sorry, John, it's not me, it's you."

John pulls his hand back quickly. "Don't spare my feelings or nothing."

"I've always been truthful with you. I don't think that this is the best time to go changing that."

"So, give it to me straight then. What's the problem?"

Ben takes a deep breath. "The pills." He puts up his hand to stop any interruption from John. "You love your job, that's obvious and I've learned a lot from you. I see sometimes that you must be in a lot of pain but it's been getting worse. Your body builds up a resistance, you take more and more to get the same effect. I can't be in a car with someone whose driving is impaired and I can't be in a relationship with an addict."

John braces himself and stands up slowly. "See you tomorrow, kid. Thanks for the honesty." John forces himself to walk as naturally as possible to the door and once he's outside he rests his back against the brickwork. He takes three pills from the bag in his pocket and swallows them. He's done it so often that they easily slide down dry. He'll have to drink some water when he gets home or he'll be chasing the pain meds with antacids. 

By mutual agreement they don't talk about it over their next few shifts. Ben's only a couple of days away from getting assigned a partner and it'll be easier for John to focus on training the next newbie. He's going to miss being with Ben. Some days are so bad that it wouldn't matter who was with him but other days Ben makes him smile with whatever inane chatter fills their shift. He knew he had it bad when he had to 'steal' Ben back from Chickie 'cos he missed him.

John knows he's exceeding stated doses all the time but the full extent of his problem becomes apparent when Ben is left alone on a rooftop with a suspect. No amount of pills could have gotten him to Ben in time. He's angry when Ben screams at him and then scared that the job he loves will be taken from him. As Ben walks away John realises he's probably lost any respect Ben had for him. He fucked up, big time. He slides to the ground, feeling pathetic. Is this the rock bottom that Dewey never shuts up about?

It's one hell of an ultimatum but the decision is practically made for him. Always better to volunteer information than be found out. He thanks Ben and after a hellish few days Ben brings him a few changes of clothes and lies that he looks better.

"Good luck with the surgery."

"Thanks."

"You need anything else?"

"Don't think so. Just don't forget I'm here please."

"I won't. Take care, Cooper."

"You too."

Ben glances back before leaving. Maybe there's some hope for them after all. If he gets through this he owes Ben one hell of an apology.

Outside the door Ben pauses. Maybe he should go back, give John his keys and tell him that he did a thorough drug search when he went to get the clothes. It feels like a breach of trust but he doesn't want John relapsing. One great kiss with John is a lot to pin his hopes on but maybe if Ben can help his recovery they might stand a chance. Building from a base of deceit doesn't seem sensible either but Ben pockets the keys and walks away. His confession can wait.


End file.
